Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Four Basic Snack Food Groups

The Four Basic Snack Food Groups:

(DISCLAIMER: These are just The Snackmaster’s ideas on how to divvy up the general snack groups. There are certainly items out there that defy these categories and even need to be placed in their own categories. This categorization is merely to get some of the most obvious fundamentals down. The Snackmaster also reserves the right to update or change this basic food group at a later date as he sees fit.)

1. Chocolate Products
2. Gummy Products/Chewy Fruity Products (Gummy Worms, Peach Rings, Fruit Snacks, etc.)
3. Pastries/Desserts/Cookies (Hostess Products)
4. Chips/Light Breaded snacks/Grain snacks (Wheat Thins, Potato Chips, Combos)

This may seem arbitrary, but placing specific products in a set group has it’s advantages when attempting to achieve some endurance in snacking. For instance, a hardcore snacking session requires a balance. You can’t just eat an entire bag of chips and then move on to a couple of candy bars. The wiser approach would be to eat a large portion of the chips and then a candy bar, then more chips, then maybe half a candy bar, then more chips. Number one, you don’t want to get bored of any one flavor too soon, and number two, this kind of bobbing and weaving actually suits the stomach. Too much of one specific snack in your stomach can leave it feeling sour or upset. Mixing fools it.
The truth is, every new day provides a different situation, and not all combos work all the time. However, there are some time-tested game plans that have proven successful for me in the past:

The Trifecta:
Start out with Chips category, intersperse regularly with Gummy Products, occasional low dosing of Pastries/Desserts or Chocolate Products always after Chips and Gummy. Repeat. (For whatever reason, milk as a beverage has often worked best with this method.)

The Marathon:
Chips back and forth with Gummy products. This is called the Marathon because the Gummy Products do not fill you up, but they break up the straight run monotony of Chips. This allows you to eat more Chips. It is important to know the right portion and pacing of each category and this is something that you have to test for yourself to find out what works for you. This combo works best on Saturday or Sunday mid afternoons when you woke up late, had a late breakfast and don’t really care when dinner happens.

The Potpourri Explosion:

All groups except for Chips. For when you REALLY just want everything and don’t feel like you should have to decide. It is important that you only eat a little bit of each one before moving on to the next. This is best with 5 – 10 different types of treats/candies. Chips have no place in this equation because they will pervert your experience of satisfaction. Chips are for casual eating, not focused reward consumption. This strategy is intensely personally rewarding, but because of the overload of senses, is not done often. Also, be prepared to have a lot of opened, unfinished snacks.
(Absolutely no soda with this.)


  1. Would "Poppy Cock" fit into category four?

  2. Yes indeed. The nuts in it may make it tough to categorize. However, the fact that it is at least 50% popcorn, which feels like a carb-like consumable, puts it into category 4.
    In retrospect, nuts themselves feel like they belong in category 4 as well. While mostly a protein-rich snack, the experience of snacking them is very similar to the experience of snacking on carb-based snacks.

  3. You completely neglect other candies, and ice cream you douche. This ain't 3000A.D. and the wars aren't fought on the mental plane.

  4. Haters don't read the disclaimers.

  5. I hate your disclaimer..

  6. As you will find out from reading certain philosophers that categorical systems have their flaws. I think you should think of this as a first draft and let the idea evolve. Also there can be things that span two categories...just go with the flow. But onto a more general point I would like to make: I feel for you to qualify as not only the Snackmaster but as a True master of snacks in general you have to up your game in the catagory of non-sweet snacks!